90'S LOVE: Part 1 - Toys

I was born in the 80's, but my most unforgettable childhood memories come from the 90's. The 90's comprised a decade of perpetual change, innovation, and experimentation. Every couple of years there were new trends & fads in fashion, entertainment, and technology. It was all about trying something different and the desire to stand out and be noticed. Therefore, as an ode to the best decade of my youth, I’ve decided to make a series of posts highlighting some of my favorite things from the 90’s.

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~Toys of the 90's~

Dream Phone

The Too-Young-To-Date-Real-Boys Toy

• This board game was a sleepover staple right alongside Tiger Beat & BOP magazine posters of teen idols like Devon Sawa, Rider Strong, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
• Tween girls, who were frustrated with inattentive immature boys their own age and who were unable to date older boys, embraced Dream Phone with open arms & glossed-up lips.
• For me there was only one fun aspect of the game and that was the inevitable fighting over imaginary boyfriends.
• Being the agent provocateur that I was, I’d suggest to one of the girls that another was cheating, hide a couple of cards, and then sit back & enjoy the hair-pulling, arm-scratching action unfold. 

Skip-It

The Put-A-Band-Aid-On-It Toy

• If you think that jump rope is for wussies then this toy’s for you.
• Skip-It is just one of many examples of the awesome safety hazard toys of the 90’s.
• The fact that young kids aren’t exactly known for their good coordination & fine motor control certainly didn’t stop toy manufactures from mass producing these badboys.
• Thanks to this toy my friends and I were sportin’ band-aids like the hottest fashion accessories of the season.

Trolls

The WTF? Toy

• You know those nutty conspiracy theorists who claim commercials possess subliminal messages...well, the unexplainable addictive popularity of Trolls makes me think that they may not be that cuckoo after all.
• Seriously, these things were like kiddy crack.
• Their bare little bottoms were EVERYWHERE.
• I really have no clue why we were so obsessed with Trolls; it’s not like there was much you could do with them aside from conducting extreme hair makeovers, which I of course did.

Super Soaker

The Mine’s-Bigger-Than-Yours Toy

• This toy was a water gun on steroids.
• Boys measured their prepubescent manhood by the size of their super soakers.
• Girls like me used it as a means to make boys cry.
• And I’m sure that eye patch manufacturers saw a boost in sales thanks to this toy.

Creepy Crawlers

The It’s-Only-A-1st-Degree-Burn Toy

• This was another awesomely unsafe toy.
• I swear, 90’s toy manufacturers must have adhered to the following motto: “They’re young; they’ll heal fast.”
• At first, my mom refused to buy this for me since she recognized the fire & burn hazard it presented.
• However, after I repeatedly brought live insects home to play with, she realized that the risk of a few 1^st degree burns wasn’t all that bad compared to a possible pest infestation.
  
• And so the next day she sped off to Toy-R-Us, bought one of these fake bug making machines, and then stopped by the pharmacy to stock up on some Neosporin.

Talkboy

The My-Life-Is-Not-As-Interesting-As-I-Thought Toy

• One of the first things you’d do when you got a Talkboy is try to chronicle your daily life, thinking that when you played the recording back, you & others would be wowed by the awesomeness that is your existence.
• The realization that your life is not as action-packed & funny as you thought it was came pretty quickly.
• Naturally, us kids developed more creative & nefarious ways to make use of the portable recorder/cassette player, namely incriminating & blackmailing our friends & relatives.
  

Bedazzler

The Sparkle-Like-You’ve-Never-Sparkled-Before Toy

• Since I was a major tomboy, my mom decided to buy the Bedazzler in hopes that it would help me get in touch with my feminine side.
• I can’t say that it achieved that purpose, but I sure as hell bedazzled the snot out of everything I could get my hands on (even things that really should not have been bedazzled).
• I also can’t say that I wore any of it, but I definitely enjoyed watching my dad squirm when I gifted him with rhinestone-studded sweatshirts & caps.

WWF Wrestling Buddies

The Anger-Management-Via-Body-Slam Toy

• There was a time when my brother and I became a bit obsessed with wrestling.
• This was also the time when we fought constantly with each other.
• One day my mom got fed up with having to serve as referee and brought home a pair of Wrestling Buddies.
• She handed me the Ultimate Warrior and said, “Here, next time you get angry, just pretend this is your brother.”
• Yeah, I punched, throttled, and body slammed the hell out of that toy.